When it comes to your kids,
your tongue can do a whole lot of damage, if you're not careful. Never
underestimate the defeating power of a few careless words. So here are
nine things that you should never say to your kids:
1. "Why can't you be
more like _________________?" Comparisons are toxic and
they serve no positive purpose. Comparing your child to their brother, sister
or friend only tears down your child and makes them feel like they're not good
enough or don't measure up. Treat each child of yours as an individual. Never
say, "Why can't you do well in school like your sister?" Do say,
"What can we do to help you do your very best in school?" Each
of your children is unique. It's important to treat them uniquely.
2. "I don't have time
right now." One
Saturday morning, when my son, Marky, was a little boy, he showed me his ball
and glove and said, "Dad, let's play baseball." Of course, since I'm
Mr. Family Guy, I said, "Sure, son." Right? Wrong. No, I said "I
don't have time right now. I'm fixing the toilet. Just give me a few
minutes." Well, the minutes turned into hours and when I was ready that
afternoon to play ball, my son said, "No thanks, Dad." When we say,
"I don't have time," what we're really saying is, "What I'm
doing is more important than what you need." or "There's something
else I'd rather be doing." Is there anything more important for us to do
than to spend time with our children and family?
3. "I don't think you
can do it." What
your child hears is, "I don't believe in you." Knowing you believe in
them gives your kids strength, courage, motivation, tenacity and more. Take
that belief away and the damage will be huge. When you're tempted to say
something like this, instead say, "You've got some big obstacles, but I'm
here for you, cheering you on and ready to help you to do your very
best." While you don't want to fill your kids with false hope or
inflated pride, you do want to encourage them in their goals.
4. "You're such a
disappointment." Your
kids can mess up, and they will. We all do. But if you want your children to
learn from their mistakes, address their mess and how it can be fixed without
hanging it on them. The label of failure is a heavy load to carry, and most
kids won't hold up. Try saying, "Your [bad grade, bad choice,
etc.] is disappointing, but I love you no matter what. What can you learn
from this?" Separate who your child is from the mess they've made.
5. "Don't be such a
wimp." This
should never be said to a boy or a girl. But, for a boy, it's basically saying,
"You don't have what it takes to be a man" and can damage him to the
core for quite some time. Saying, "You throw like a girl" to your son
can have the same effect.
6. "You're such a
bonehead." Telling
your child they're stupid is implanted in the hard drive of their mind and is
difficult to delete. It's certainly no way to motivate them.
7. "Can't you do
anything right?" When
a parent says this to a child in the heat of the moment, it's not only saying
that the child messed this one thing up, but also that they mess up everything.
It's always dangerous to use broadbrush words like always, never, everything or
anything.
8. Why didn't you make the
starting team? Your
daughter or son probably tried really hard to make the starting team, but
landed on the B squad. They probably already are disappointed about it and
don't need anyone to pour vinegar into their wound. Instead, they need to be
praised for doing their best and for even making the team.
9. "So you made a B+,
why didn't you get an A?" When something like this is
said, here is what a child hears, "Nothing I do is good enough for my mom
or dad." If they did their best, we should praise them. If they didn't, we
should challenge them to give it everything they've got the next time.
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