A man and wife in the bedroom
The whole cheating thing would be a lot easier if there was a blanket diagnosis for all men on the face of the earth. But the truth is, men — like women! — are complicated creatures with a multitude of reasons for doing what they do.
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There is not only one
reason why men cheat, but marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman dug deep into men's
minds to discover why they strayed in marriage. Surprisingly,
the most common reason for men to cheat was because they were not satisfied
emotionally in their marriage. Of all the men studied, 48 percent said this was
the main cause.
Ø A husband stews over his emotional
dissatisfaction before making such a harmful decision. But how can you tell,
before a disaster happens, that a potential mistress is on his mind? Keep these
seven things in mind when analyzing your relationship.
Ø (And remember to keep his personality in mind.
If he has always done some of these things, it is less alarming than if his
personality suddenly changes.)
Ø He loves you, but ...
Ø There are healthy ways to offer constructive
feedback, and then there are a million other destructive ways. If he frequently
tells you things like, "I love you, but I wish you would dress up nicer
when I come home at night," this can be a bad sign. Love is not
conditional on small things.
Ø If you're never quite measuring up in his
eyes, another woman could be on his mind.
Ø He stops talking to you about things that
matter to him
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Men considering
infidelity start to withdraw emotionally, says couples therapist Jane Greer. If he stops sharing his opinion,
it could mean he feels you aren't willing to listen (and respect) what he says
anyway. This is dangerous territory! He'll go looking for someone he thinks is
willing to hear him out.
Ø He watches pornography (and if you think this
is harmless, it's not)
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Study after study
shows the absolute toxic effect pornography has on individuals and
relationships long-term. For those who think it's "helping" your
relationship to watch porn together, consider this study that
discovered men rated "themselves as less in love with their partner"
and "were more critical of their partner's appearance, sexual performance
and displays of affection" after viewing pornography.
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Consider this woman's thoughts on her husband's
porn addiction:
Ø "How is it not cheating when your
significant other is constantly seeking out other women to accommodate his
needs? These may be paid 'professionals,' but they are still real women that my
husband is desiring, instead of me. Women that look nothing like me. How could
I not feel cheated on when I see that he is searching for specific 'traits' on
other woman that I just don't have."
Ø Porn is a gateway to needing more and more
stimulation. If you aren't meeting your husbands (unrealistic)
"needs," porn tells him there is someone out there that will satisfy
him other than you.
Ø You never quite live up to the standards set
by other women
Ø Regardless of who he is comparing you to (his
mom, sister, friend or co-worker), this is never a good sign. You're not
perfect, but you are much better at being you than anyone else could be. If he
can't see this, his mind is likely thinking about someone else.
Ø He gets irritated when you casually ask his
plans
Ø Marriages should be open. If he gets
surprisingly irritated or defensive when you ask an innocent question about a friendship or
where he has been, something is not right.
Ø He values his social life more than your marriage
Ø When you say, "I do," it
automatically means your spouse is now your top priority. If he is prioritizing
friends or events before you, it could be a sign he is receiving emotional
validation elsewhere and is pulling away from you.
Ø You can feel it in your gut
Ø Trust yourself. You know your husband better
than anyone. If his personality suddenly changes, look for the cause. Although
a spouse might try to ignore a nagging feeling, frequently spouses of cheaters
are not completely surprised when they find out their spouse was unfaithful.
Their gut was warning them about it all along.
Ø Remember, it's never too late to try to save
your marriage. It's worth every effort to try to repair the relationship before
something even worse happens. Seek out professional help if necessary.
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